The Last Rites of Samantha Puckett's Sanity
by Virgoleo23
Summary: Oh, sanity. Looks like you're finally gone for good huh?   Can't say I didn't see this one coming though. What else would you expect when he keeps looking at me with those big brown eyes and giving me those sexy little smirks? No wonder I lost my mind.


The Last Rites to Samantha Puckett's Sanity:

Oh, sanity. Looks like you're finally gone for good huh?  
We had some good times together, back when our webshow was young, the fistfights were plentiful and the Gibbies were shirtless (not too devastated to see that one go). Can't say I didn't see this one coming though. I held on to you as much as I could throughout your megacrisis, but you just seemed to keep slipping away until now, when I finally lay you down to rest.

I've spent the whole day in mourning, wearing a navy sweatshirt around the apartment (as close to black as I'll ever be caught wearing) and gorging myself on fat cakes. Carly doesn't seem as sympathetic. She keeps telling me I should be happy. She clearly doesn't understand the seriousness...seriousity...graveness of this situation.

We'll be holding your funeral tomorrow. I've laid a nice little bed of bacon to lay you down on, but since there isn't really a 'you', I'll just lay down this letter. Carly and Gibby gave in to my excessive pleading and are going to be the funeral procession; we'll be carrying you down to the Groovy Smoothie for your burial. I asked Spencer to read a eulogy for you, but he only insisted that your death has been a long time coming, and I should have realized it sooner.

Then you'd have been long gone by now, sanity, and I wouldn't have grown so attached to you.

We're going to bury you the only proper way one's sanity should be buried. Undertaker T-Bo will read you his final blessing before blending you into the ceremonial mourning smoothie. Then, this ham-and-paper-Strawberry-Splat smoothie will be reverently carried out to the park and left on my favorite park bench, (by Petey Pirate's hot dog stand) for whatever hobo fate brings to suck you down. Seems kind of poetic if you think about it.

I'm gonna miss you, sanity.

The worst part is that the nub seems totally unaffected by these proceedings. It would have comforted me so much more in my grieving to have the satisfaction of pushing the dorkwad's buttons in the process. But noooo.

The little nubling keeps going around looking so downright _pleased_ with himself. Like he's sooo happy that he was the dork that finally drove Sam Puckett crazy.

He basically _murdered_ you, sanity!

There must be some kind of law against that, right? I could just sue him right now. You know, if that was physically possible.

I bet he planned it too. Chipping away at you with those big brown eyes and those sexy little smirks. Managing to make me so ridiculously giddy (against my will, of course) and still always managing to frustrate the heck out of me. Your sane little heart just couldn't take it, could it? Metaphorically of course. ( Yeah, I know. A six-syllable word. That alone should show how much he affects me.)

So anyway, goodbye forever sweet sanity. You were too young, it was too soon for you to die.

But what else would you expect to happen when Sam Puckett agrees to become Fredamame Benson's girlfriend? I'm surprised the building hasn't caved in by now.

Scratch that, I'm surprised the _universe_ hasn't caved in by now.

(He still hasn't realized the meaning of that nickname yet. He'll figure it out eventually.)

Alright, I have to go start the funeral preparations. Farewell, last remnants of my sanity, I'm sure we won't meet again (not as long as Fredweird keeps holding on to me like that...and making me smile with his dorkish charm (once again, involuntarily!) ….. and giving me that... that _look_ before he leans in to kiss me... tell him I said that and I swear I'll find your spirit and kill you all over again. I. Mean. It. His ego is over-inflated enough already as it is.)

So Syanara to you! Stolen out of my head by Freddie Benson. Of all people...

But strangely enough, it's kind of worth it. See what not having you around does to me?

Sincerely,  
Samantha Puckett

**Footnote from Freddie: **  
**Oh, give it a rest Puckett. You were never sane to begin with ;)**  
**Don't kill me for that, I couldn't resist.**  
**And I never stole your sanity, it was a fair trade. **

**You stole mine a long time ago.**

A/N:

_Awwww! I had to write a semi-fluffy oneshot after my darker, gloomier one. First attempt at fluff! I'm not sure if I like it or not. But be nice, it took a while._

_I've been working on a few fics that I will try to finish up and post today, if I can. Can anyone tell me what happens to your fics in Doc Manager after it's been 60 days and they go stale? Does it delete the fic or are you just not allowed to edit it anymore?_

_And I speak absolutely 0 Spanish, but the internet told me that Fredamame meant literally: "Fred, love me."  
_

_Hmmmmm...now why would Sam say _that_ to Freddie on the show? Hmmmm..._

_And I'll be away for all February break with no internet connection. And you know what would make me smile? _

_Coming back to Fanfiction with an inbox full of Reviews!_

_So...please?_

_**Update: I know, I know, I edit my fics way too much. I can't help it, perfectionist by nature. I just fixed up a few sentences, no major changes, don't worry.**_

_**I think it's better now, though :)  
**_


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